


Remember to Forget

by Madisuzy



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: M/M, Past Child Abuse, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-11-28
Packaged: 2018-02-27 07:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2683844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madisuzy/pseuds/Madisuzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, the only way to heal is to forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember to Forget

Silently, I watch the abstract shadows dancing on the rafters from the single candle I have left alight. I try to keep my thoughts on Inquisition matters to stop it wandering to places I'm not willing to visit, but the rain on my windows is so hypnotic, pulling my thoughts back against my will. 

"So silent when the rain stops... no wait, not silent, just soft. Trees murmur, fire crackles, the hum of ancient things that have long since forgotten."

Cole sits on the railing of the balcony above my bed, surveying me like a crow would a shiny object of interest, far down below. His presence startles me, but I simply pull my eyes away and try to hide my discontent at being observed so. I consider asking how he got in here when my doors are locked, but as he leans further forward, my fear for his safety takes precedence.

"Cole, what are you doing? Be careful." 

"Alone with dark memories wrapped so tightly, keeping out the light that tries to shine in through the cracks."

"I was trying to sleep. Can't you go _help_ somewhere else?" I am in no mood for his mind reading, and I don't even bother asking who it is he speaks of as I look away, my annoyance rising. I just want to be unconscious, beyond thought... or at least, lost in dreams I hopefully won't remember tomorrow. I've already had enough Antivan brandy to bring about that end, if he will just leave.

"Alone. Yearning for touch and love and connection and then... a blackness that sinks through the skin into the soul, desire that is wrong, a need that manifests stronger than any demon's touch, making the heart beat too fast and all breath hard to draw. Please look at me. Look, see, need me too? Just once and then I'll stop, just a taste of everything... but so addictive and then... a dull ache builds again and only heavy breaths ease the yearning. The forest smells like shame all around me now but we've made the choice together. My footsteps are too loud and I'm late. Will he wait for me? Suddenly the silence is a new wrong. Sounds of battle break the peace and I run but it's too late. Father! Anger burns the guilty to dust but it doesn't burn away the pain."

My eyes widen in panic as I quickly sit up, looking back up to Cole only to find him gone. My heart races, beating too loud in my chest, my breath choking as I realize that for the first time, Cole is reading me... and it's all the worst possible things he's finding in my darkness.

"No mother, please don't cry. Please look at me, please forgive me... please pretend you never read the note he left. Father, you promised together, but now you're gone and I'm left alone to crumble under their disgust. I don't understand. Wasn't it love?"

I swing around towards the voice, finding Cole on the bottom of my bed, looking at me with his head tilted to one side. His usual hat is absent, leaving his eyes clear to my view as they study me and my deepest pains.

"It wasn't your fault."

I try to say something, defend myself against those actions years ago that I understand all too well now. All the things that come to mind are only lies though, and he'll see through them... so I just stare instead, frightened more by the truth than I've ever been by any demon or monster.

"Don't be afraid, I'll never tell. I'm here to help, not harm... remember?"

"Remembering is the problem," I manage to push through my tightened jaw, frowning down at my hands as I try to pull my emotions back under control. This is just Cole, doing what he always does, and trying to help. There's no judgement here, not from him... not in the usual way, at least. The brightness of my mark jerks my train of thought away and my frown grows as I look back up at him. "Wait, I thought you said you couldn't read me, that the anchor makes me too bright?"

"I'm sorry. I lied... but it was only a white lie, told to help not harm. The anchor makes you bright, and hard to read, but there was so much pain still slipping through. When you thought I couldn't see, you relaxed and finally tonight, I can see. I watched, I waited, you suddenly became clear... like you let me in."

"I didn't," I insist, slipping my marked hand under the blankets where I don't have to think about it right now. There's too much else battling for my sanity already, and the anchor is something that can never help what haunts me.

"But your pain calls for relief. Don't be afraid. I just want to help."

"Please, stop. I don't need your help."

"You need forgiveness. You need to forgive yourself. It wasn't your fault. Just a child, wanting affection like all children. A hand to hold, a gentle touch, arms around, so warm and safe and loved... but then a step too far. The fault lies with him, not you. He twisted what you felt into something wrong, but not to hurt... but it did hurt. He did love you, but he was wrong. His love like poison on lips that burn."

Suddenly Cole is straddling my chest, too close and too intently staring... and too warm and near and...

"Let it go. He is gone and you are here. Learn from his mistakes. Denying yourself will only twist you into him. If you need touch, ask for it, admit it, seek it. To keep it all inside only twists it into something wrong... corrupted and hurtful. Let me help you."

The lips on mine are warm and insistent, gentle and giving, like I've never tasted before. I respond without choice, without wisdom or common sense, so flattered to be finally wanted again, in any kind of way. It makes an aching pain in my chest bloom and rise to my throat in a whimper, like a long forgotten plea that I never got to voice, but I do not push him away, paralyzed by every scrape of skin against my own.

"Let me in. It's what you need, what you want," Cole whispers, so honest and blunt, as brutal as an axe to the face. My legs spread as my tears fall, but he takes no heed of them, fingers slipping to places they shouldn't be, stretching to make way for something that was always so wrong, unnatural and unacceptable... and undeniably needed.

"Hush, little heart, full of hope and betrayed by the first touch too soon. Such a precious thing, so fragile and bruised, held together by strings of spider silk hope. I will not tear, I will not burn away your weave. Let me give myself to you, bury myself inside of you and strengthen those strands until the web is complete, an armor of silk. I will not leave you alone. Let that ease your pain, the betrayal, the hurt, _I'm so afraid father_. It was never your fault. He was broken, and wrong. It was never you."

"Cole," I plead, but what I'm begging for, even I can't decide. His fingers are gentle but insistent, and seem to know the perfect places to taunt me while I can do nothing but surrender to this invasion that will probably complete the destruction of what little remains of my heart.

Still... I yearn, and it is all here, dangling before me and asking to be eaten. My hunger is undeniable, a madness now that nothing else can disrupt.

"Complete me," I mumble, because I never could say no to this, even when saying yes would hurt so many. But that was then and this is now and the only person that can be hurt this time is me. It's no more than I deserve, after all. Ruin at my own hands.

Cole stops preparation and slowly slides in, forever eager to please and help, even if he may be beyond understanding this act as most average beings would. I gasp at the breach after so long empty, but the pain is minimal, more than balanced by the sudden return of heat and fullness and connection. 

"Fragile, so fragile...."

Cole starts to move, and it's like my emotions are being pulled back and forth with his hips, attached to waves that dance to the beat of the moon and listen to no other. The pleasure is there, it's real but tainted with a sadness I cannot shake, for my heart is still too damaged to let go of the last time my father smiled at me.

"Cole.... Cole, it hurts," I whisper, even as my legs lift and wrap around the spirits waist, pulling him in harder with every thrust.

"Yes. Like too hot toffee, burning your tongue, but oh so sweet. Pain and pleasure, mixing into one. Too much, but not enough."

His thrusts pick up speed, and then his lips claim mine, too forceful to refuse as my protests go unheard. By the time climax claims me, my face is damp with the tears of my surrender, but I spare it only a moment's thought before darkness takes it all away.

***.***

"Inquisitor?"

Frowning, I glance up from the war table and met Cullen's eyes, unable to pull on the mask of calm that I usually face my advisors with. Something is off... wrong... missing... and I've already spent all morning driving myself crazy with all the possibilities of what that 'something' could be.

"Just... lack of sleep. The crows kept me up," I offer up pathetically, eyes darting back to the map to find a distraction before my ruse can be called out. "Cullen, there's an issue in the Mire that I think needs your troops special attention. Here, look this over and tell me what you think?"

The templar pauses for a moment... but then nods, his attention easily distracted by matters of state, thankfully, as I swallow down my guilt and lies with a large swig of wine. It's too early, but nobody even blinks an eye, so I simply continue to indulge, my attention on the map as the alcohol burns away the oddness plaguing me. Half an hour later, I stride out of the war room, humming a tune my mother used to sing until I make my way through the various doors to my own quarters.

It's not until I'm half way up the final staircase, that I realize I can't remember anything at all about my father or who he was. Gripping the handrail, I pause and frown, grasping at wisps of memories in my mind that keep slipping through my fingers.

"Hush, curious son of the woods. There is nothing there worth remembering. Think of the future instead, of warm breezes and soft hands, tender lips and sure thrusts. I will be all you need, and will always take the pain away."

Leaning back into Cole's body, I let go of what I've forgotten, and focus on simply remembering him instead.

***.***


End file.
